If you’re like me, you exhaust your Netflix movie options fairly quick, so when a new movie hits the stream, you can’t wait to jump on that.
This weekend I decided to try the 1997 film “Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.” And how quickly I realized, hmm, this may have been a mistake.
STAGE 1 – ENERGY
MORTAL KOMBAAAAT! DUHNAH DUHNAH DUHNAH DUHNAH DAH NAH! That opening music still gets you pumped. You can’t teach these moves.
STAGE 2 – LESS ENERGY
Dial it down. A lot of movie left. Future self might argue “too much” movie.
STAGE 3 – UNFAMILIARITY
Hmm, the film starts off where the last one ended. But half of the main characters are played by different actors. Who are these people?
STAGE 4 – HALLUCINATION
Oh dear, this opening sequence. Was this CGI actually done on a computer or with scissors and a glue stick?
Where am I? Am I still I? I feel different. This whole place feels very different. Almost like even I’ve been replaced with another actor …
STAGE 5 – DENIAL
Oh, no. … No, no, no, no, no. Wait, this movie was made for $30 million and grossed $50 million? That’s … simply not possible.
STAGE 6 – EXHAUSTION
“Holy exposition, I have to lay down,” said Andy, laying down on the couch that he always enjoyed laying down on, except when he didn’t enjoy laying down on it.
STAGE 7 – SENSITIVITY TO LIGHT
No, I have to lay down further. I have to lay down deep. Hidden. So cold.
STAGE 8 – WITHDRAWING INTO A DYSTOPIAN FANTASY REALM WITH ANIMAL FRIENDS
Must. Photoshop. Pain. Away… The mutant rats in this post-apocalyptic city of ruins are my friends now.
“You’re safe now,” says my new mutant rat friend, affectionately scurrying across my brow. “‘Mortal Kombat: Annihilation’ can’t hurt you anymore.”
No, rat friend. It will always hurt.
Total viewing time elapsed: 13 minutes, 48 seconds.
Forever mood: Cheering on planet-conquering evil.
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