Last week at the Aspen Ideas Festival, former Disney CEO and clueless white man Michael Eisner reminded us that women aren’t usually funny because they’re too busy doing their makeup. Eisner was on stage interviewing actress Goldie Hawn about her experience as a woman in entertainment, The Atlantic reported. When Hawn mentioned that she didn’t grow up thinking she was pretty — but obviously got there, eventually — Eisner offered his own horrible theory behind our supposed dearth of picture-perfect comediennes.
“I know women who have been told they’re beautiful, they win Miss Arkansas, they don’t ever have to get attention other than with their looks,” Eisner stated. “So they don’t tell a joke. In the history of the motion-picture business, the number of beautiful, really beautiful women — a Lucille Ball — that are funny, is impossible to find.”
You know what’s also impossible to find? A smoking hot male comic who isn’t Chris Pratt. But we’re not complaining, because there’s nothing less relevant to comedy than how any one comic — male or female — looks. Mr. Eisner may be the only one who really cares.
If you’re out there, guy, we’d like to introduce you to just 32 of all the hilarious female comedians out there, and let you know we don’t give a sh-t whether they’re “really beautiful” or not.
Amy Schumer
Her Comedy Central show is killing it, and her new feature film “Trainwreck” has already garnered some rave reviews. It premieres July 17.
Mindy Kaling
“The Mindy Project” may be moving off cable, but the author of “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?” has a new book of personal essays due out Sept. 15.
Kristen Wiig
We can’t wait for Paul Feig’s lady-centric “Ghostbusters” to hit theaters on July 22, but you can also catch Wiig on Netflix’s “Wet Hot American Summer,” premiering July 31.
Amy Poehler
There are too many reasons to love Amy, not least of all being her voice work as Joy in Pixar’s new “Inside Out.” (She’ll also appear on the upcoming “Wet Hot American Summer.”)
Melissa McCarthy
We adored her as the lovable chef extraordinaire Sookie St. James in “Gilmore Girls,” and still today as the unlikely (yet badass) heroine in “Spy.”
Tina Fey
If you haven’t yet watched “30 Rock,” it’s on Netflix for your binging pleasure.
Jessica Williams
She’s not taking over “The Daily Show” because she’s perfectly comfortable being one of our favorite-ever correspondents, thank you very much.
Ellie Kemper
“Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” (created by Tina Fey) was one of the best things on Netflix in 2015. But of course, you may simply know Kemper as the innocent Erin Hannon on “The Office.”
Tracee Ellis Ross
Ross — starring as Bea on “Black-ish” — had some revealing things to say about women in entertainment in May’s round table discussion with The Hollywood Reporter.
Kate McKinnon
Get ready to see more of McKinnon’s Hillary Clinton spoofs on “Saturday Night Live” as the 2016 election season heats up. She’s also in that all-female “Ghostbusters” movie.
Gina Rodriguez
The actress stars in “Jane the Virgin,” one of TV’s breakout comedy hits, which centers around a virgin who was artificially impregnated by mistake.
Chelsea Peretti
Oh, you don’t watch “Brooklyn Nine-Nine”? No bother, catch Peretti’s stand-up feature, “One of the Greats,” on Netflix.
Retta
Follow Retta on Twitter if you like both television and lols.
Kristen Schaal
Schaal has some thoughts on Dadbods, but you might know her best as the Senior Women’s Correspondent of “The Daily Show.”
Jenny Slate
The voice of “Marcel the Shell” is also hilarious as the hopelessly self-absorbed Mona-Lisa in “Parks And Recreation.” And every weirdo she played on “The Kroll Show.”
Ilana Glazer
This list would be an utter failure without mentioning “Broad City” …
Abbi Jacobson
Which follows Ilana and Abbi on their pot-laced misadventures through New York City. It’s beautiful.
Elizabeth Banks
Banks has honed her comedy chops with supporting roles in a slew of TV shows and movies from “30 Rock” to “The Hunger Games” to “Pitch Perfect.”
Cecily Strong
She’s been on SNL since 2012, and did a fantastic job hosting the 2015 White House Correspondents’ Dinner.
Miranda Hart
Her self-titled BBC sitcom is amazing, but so is her performance as McCarthy’s equally-unlikely sidekick in “Spy.”
Vanessa Bayer
Another SNL cast member, we’re enjoying seeing Bayer in more silver screen roles — most recently alongside Schumer in “Trainwreck.”
Julia Louis-Dreyfus
“Veep” is one of our favorites, but anyone without an HBO Go password can still catch her on “Seinfeld” reruns. (Now also on Hulu! Huzzah!)
Megan Mullally
Since “Will & Grace,” we’ve particularly enjoyed Mullally as the utterly batsh-t Tammy Two in “Parks and Recreation.”
Anna Kendrick
Equally talented at drama as she is in comedic roles, Kendrick is another lady you want to follow on Twitter.
Carrie Brownstein
This “Portlandia” star is the reason we ask to see all our organic free-range chicken’s papers. She’s also got a book coming out.
Aparna Nancherla
We can only say that we hope to see a LOT more of Nancherla’s absurdist humor in the future. For now, we have these video clips on the Internet.
Iliza Shlesinger
The food-loving winner of 2008’s “Last Comic Standing” has a comedy special, “Freezing Hot,” up on Netflix.
Tig Notaro
Known for a legendary 2012 set on her breast cancer diagnosis, Notaro runs a podcast, appears on “This American Life,” played Barb on “Transparent” and premiered a self-titled documentary at Sundance.
Kate Berlant
Berlant’s style has been dubbed “experimental” yet “magnetic” by The New York Times. Hear her make it weird with Pete Holmes on his podcast.
Nicole Byer
Here’s an Upright Citizens Brigade alum you can spot on MTV’s “Girl Code.” She’s also appeared in a Nestle commercial that only runs in Israel.
Michelle Wolf
This Brooklyn girl made her first “Late Night with Seth Meyers” appearance last summer.
Megan Neuringer
Here’s another longtime UCB performer we hope to see a lot more of on the Internet.
Did we leave your favorite off this far-from-exhaustive list? Let us know in the comments.
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