All right: We’ve gone and done it so you don’t have to.
We’ve partnered with XFINITY® to bring you a quick-and-dirty guide to the 50 shows that everyone is anticipating this season, whether they’re comfortable sitcoms that fit like an old T-shirt or shiny new shows that we can’t wait to try out.
Now, don’t complain to us that “there’s nothing good on” again.
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1. Mulaney, Sunday at 9:30pm, FOX
Long-awaited sitcom starring stand-up comedian, former Saturday Night Live writer and Internet famous person John Mulaney. Originally passed over by NBC.
Notables: Martin Short as Mulaney’s mentor Lou, Elliott Gould as a neighbor, and Mulaney’s SNL classmate Nasim Pedrad.
Trivia: While at SNL, Mulaney, along with Bill Hader, created the recurring character of Stefon.
2. Big Bang Theory, Thursday at 8pm, CBS
A Chuck Lorre-helmed stalwart roaring into an eighth season with predictably monster ratings. It’s currently the most-watched show on broadcast television and shows no signs of slowing down.
Notables: Johnny Galecki, Jim Parsons, Simon Helberg, Kunal Nayyar and Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting as the resident non-nerd next door.
Trivia: Here’s a true sign of sitcom success: Galecki, Parsons and Cuoco-Sweeting negotiated for $1 million-per-episode paychecks, making them among the highest-paid actors on TV.
3. The Voice, Monday at 8pm, NBC
The singing contest that will never say die, perhaps owing to the revolving door of star power at the judges’ table. Fox has canceled a competitor in The X-Factor, and The Voice seems primed to overtake American Idol in the ratings as well, so we’ll see if viewers swivel around their chairs for this season.
Notables: Back-slappin’ bro-pals Blake Shelton and Adam Levine will return for Season 7. The seemingly ageless Gwen Stefani and Pharrell will provide some fresh perspective for The Voice’s would-be pop stars.
Trivia: The show originated in Holland, and the formula has been replicated in more than 45 countries, from Afghanistan to Finland to Vietnam.
4. The Simpsons + Family Guy Crossover Episode: “The Simpsons Guy” FOX
FXX, Fox’s comedy cable network, has been airing “EVERY SIMPSONS EVER” – all 552 episodes as well as the movie – over a 12-day span, much to the excitement of the whole Internet and the chagrin of anyone who is trying to get anything done. This hour-long episode will continue Simpsons-mania and kick off the 13th season of Family Guy. The Griffins will find themselves in Springfield; zaniness will ensue.
Notables: From what we can gather, the storyline will include the usual cast of Family Guy along with guest stars Homer (Dan Castellaneta), Marge (Julie Kavner), Bart and Lisa Simpson; Kodos (Barney Gumble); Moe and Apu (Hank Azaria); and Bob Belcher from Bob’s Burgers (H. Jon Benjamin).
Trivia: The writer has seen Hank Azaria (Moe Szyslak, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Chief Wiggum, Comic Book Guy, Carl Carlson., etc., etc.) at two New York Mets games, and they weren’t even great seats.
5. The Blacklist, Monday at 10pm, NBC
James Spader will continue to be creepy, bald and manipulative in his second season as Red, a most-wanted criminal turned FBI informant. The Season 1 finale was capital-M Major, and we’re waiting on the edge of our seats for more twists and turns.
Notables: The aforementioned Spader along with Megan Boone as rookie FBI special agent Elizabeth Keen. Season 2 will also see more of Alan Alda (should there not always be more Alan Alda?), and a new character in Mary-Louise Parker’s Naomi Highland, a character who has strong ties to Red.
Trivia: It was Spader’s decision to shave his head bald for the role.
6. Modern Family, Wed 8pm, ABC
Entering its sixth season, the kids (and adults) are growing up before our very own eyes. Last season’s two-part finale featured the marriage (finally!) of Mitch and Cam. We can only presume that their massively cute adopted daughter, Lily, will continue to steal the show.
Notables: The usuals!
Trivia: The actress who plays Lily, Aubrey Frances Anderson-Emmons was the youngest star to walk the red carpet at the 2012 and 2013 Emmys.
7. NCIS, Tuesday at 8pm, CBS
Blockbuster police procedural, and that’s Naval Criminal Investigative Service if you have never caught an episode of this, which is impossible if in the past 11 years you have been to a gym, laundromat, waiting room, or literally anywhere in public with a television.
Notables: Mark Harmon as Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs.
Trivia: Harmon was the starting quarterback for the UCLA Bruins’ football team in 1972-1973.
8. NCIS: New Orleans, Tuesday at 9pm, CBS
Following in the footsteps of NCIS: L.A., this spinoff is both set and filmed in New Orleans. It’s set to premiere as the second part of a double-episode of NCIS on Sept. 23.
Notables: Scott Bakula as Special Agent Dwayne Cassius Pride. (NCIS is really good at naming people, if you haven’t noticed.)
Trivia: NCIS: New Orleans is a spinoff of NCIS. NCIS is a spinoff of JAG. Got it?
9. Black-ish, Wednesday at 9pm, ABC
New show executive-produced by Larry Wilmore and Kenya Barris, this show will explore one black family’s life in a mostly-white, affluent California suburb.
Notables: Anthony Anderson and Tracee Ellis Ross play mom and dad, and Lawrence Fishburne plays the elder patriarch of the house, Pops.
Trivia: Barris is a childhood friend of Tyra Banks and helped create America’s Next Top Model.
10. Hell’s Kitchen, Wednesday at 8pm, FOX
Gordon Ramsay yells, screams and throws things at would-be chefs for a 13th season of this reality competition show.
Notables: Ramsay and his enormous ego; pots and pans.
Trivia: Ramsay’s restaurants have earned a combined 15 Michelin stars and currently have 14.
11. Person of Interest, Tuesday at 10pm, CBS
Vigilante justice meets high-tech surveillance on this reliable crime drama about a former CIA officer, a reclusive genius and a computer that can predict violent crimes before they happen.
Notables: Jim Cazviezel plays the former CIA officer, while Michael Emerson plays the computer whiz.
Trivia: Both leads have played roles of Biblical proportions: Cazviezel is perhaps best-known for playing Jesus Christ in Passion of the Christ, and Emerson played Ben Linus on the epic Lost.
12. How To Get Away With Murder, Thursday at 10pm, ABC*
A new legal drama executive produced by the queen of sexy, twisty-turny (and intermittently hilarious!) drama, Shonda Rhimes. A law professor and her students get caught up in a murder plot.
Notables: Viola Davis (The Help) plays the professor.
Trivia: It will air on Thursdays along with Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal as part of a 3-hour, ALL-SHONDA RHIMES block on ABC. We will be so far off the edges of our seats that we just might end up on the floor.
13. Sleepy Hollow, Monday at 8pm, FOX
Based on the Washington Irving short story, this drama is more suspenseful than spooky, but we’ll be tuning in for a second season.
Notables: Tom Mison as Ichabod Crane, Orlando Jones is the chief of the Sleepy Hollow police department and Nicole Beharie (Shame) stars as Lt. Grace Abbie Mills.
Trivia: The town of Sleepy Hollow, N.Y., has debunked many of the historical flourishes that the show has invented.
15. Grey’s Anatomy, Thursday at 8pm, ABC
We actually can’t believe this show is still around. (Shonda Rhimes, guys!) We predict even more melancholy voiceovers from Meredith Grey, especially since it’s going into its 11th season without Sandra Oh as Dr. Cristina Yang. YOU ARE MY PERSON, CRISTINA YANG!
Notables: With the exception of Sandra Oh, the core cast will be back: Ellen Pompeo as Meredith Grey, Justin Chambers as Alex Karev, Patrick Dempsey as Derek Shepherd, Chandra Wilson as Miranda Bailey, and James Pickens Jr. as Richard Webber. Interestingly, Isaiah Washington will be back in a guest role as Preston Burke.
Trivia: The theme song is called “Cosy in the Rocket” by experimental electronic band Psapp.
16. Scorpion, Monday at 9pm, CBS*
A new show that takes CBS procedurals into the digital age. A genius computer expert recruits hackers to, well, save the country.
Notables: British actor Elyes Gabel (Game of Thrones) will play the genius, Walter O’Brien, and Katharine McPhee (Smash) will
Trivia: The show is loosely based on the life of Walter O’Brien, a former hacker who helped locate the Boston Bombers — and hacked a Nasa computer system when he was only 13.
17. MasterChef, Wednesday at 8pm, FOX
Another competitive cooking show with Gordon Ramsay, but this time he’s tasked with judging the work of amateur and home cooks for a fifth season.
Notables: The judges also include restaurateur and winemaker Joe Bastianich and chef Graham Elliot.
Trivia: Christine Hà, winner of the 2012 season of MasterChef, is the first blind contestant on the show and holds an MFA from the University of Houston in creative fiction and nonfiction.
18. Dancing With The Stars Results (Finale), 9pm, ABC
Underemployed celebrities and athletes undertake ballroom dancing for an 18th season, and we’ll tune in in droves to see who wins.
Notables: Who knows?!?
Trivia: Former NFL-er Emmitt Smith was the first athlete to win the show (Season 3), but certainly not the last: speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno, race-car driver Helio Castroneves, figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi, gymnast Shawn Johnson, football players Hines Ward and Donald Driver, and figure skater Meryl Davis all found success on the show.
19. Scandal, Thursday at 9pm, ABC
The whiplash-inducing political drama about our favorite tightly wound, red wine-chugging, former communications director at the White House enters a pivotal fourth season. A key part of the aforementioned all-Shonda-all-the-time ABC programming schedule.
Notables: Kerry Washington returns as Olivia Pope, Darby Stanchfield as Abby Whelan and Bellamy Young as the First Lady, among others.
Trivia: Young’s audition was only two lines long.
20. Stalker, Wednesday at 10pm, CBS*
Detectives investigate, well, stalking. From Kevin Williamson, the creator of Dawson’s Creek, The Vampire Diaries, The Following and the screenplays to every campy movie that scared and delighted us in the ‘90s (Scream, Scream 2, Scream 4, I Know What You Did Last Summer, The Faculty, Teaching Mrs. Tingle).
Notables: The super-cool Maggie Q as Lieutenant Beth Davis and even cooler Dylan McDermott as Detective Jack Larsen.
Trivia: You might recognize Maggie Q from blockbuster Divergent or Nikita, a well-received (but recently cancelled) CW series.
21. NCIS:LA, Monday at 10pm, CBS
Another NCIS! This one is in Los Angeles and it has Chris O’Donnell.
Notables: It also has LL Cool J! Yeah!
Trivia: There was almost an NCIS:LA spin-off called NCIS: Red.
22. Criminal Minds, Wednesday at 9pm, CBS
This show is for people who like reading and thinking about why serial killers do the terrible things they do. Once you indulge in a marathon, you may never have a good night’s sleep again.
Notables: Jennifer Love Hewitt joins the cast as a series regular.
Trivia: Rich Dunkle, a writer/producer, appears as a dead body in a Season 4 episode, according to an interview with Buzzfeed. His murderer? Guest star Wil Wheaton.
23. The Goldbergs, Wednesday at 8:30pm, ABC
The sophomore season for this ‘80s-tastic sitcom about a family that manages to out-shout and out-grump even, say, the folks of Married With Children.
Notables: Jeff Garlin, embellished sweatshirts, side ponytails, and excessive use of “Western” wear.
Trivia: Showrunner Adam (yep) Goldberg has loosely based the show on his own childhood. The original title of the show was How the F— Am I Normal?
24.Resurrection, Sundat at 8pm, ABC
A small town in Missouri was in for a shock when their deceased loved ones started popping up like, la-di-dah, just another day in the life of a formerly dead person. Season 2 will focus on unraveling the mystery of just how, exactly, this is happening.
Notables: Omar Epps is a standout as Marty Bellamy, an immigrations and customs agent.
Trivia: The show is based on a novel by Jason Mott called “The Returned.”
25. Survivor: San Juan del Sur, Wednesday at 8pm, CBS
The show that pretty much blew our minds back in the halcyon days of early reality TV (c. 2000) … is now in its 29th season. Chew on that! (Then chew on some grass or leaves, since that’s seemingly what true Survivors do when they’re hungry.)
Notables: The new setting, in San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua; contestants competing against their loved ones, hence the “Blood vs. Water” moniker.
Trivia: NPR’s Linda Holmes has put together this amazingly detailed guide to how to win Survivor based on a close viewing of many, many episodes of the show.
26. Gotham, Monday at 8pm, FOX*
A brand-new show based on your favorite characters from DC Comics. It’s a Batman prequel that follows Detective James Gordon, new to the police force in Gotham, as he investigates the deaths of a young Bruce Wayne’s parents.
Notables: Benjamin McKenzie (The O.C., Southland) plays Detective James Gordon; Jada Pinkett-Smith is gang boss Fish Mooney.
Trivia: The show is also delving into the backstories of the Penguin, the Riddler, Catwoman, Alfred, Poison Ivy … and “possibly Harvey Dent,” according to showrunner Bruno Heller.
27. Marry Me, Tuesday at 9pm, NBC*
A sitcom about Annie and Jake, a couple that is trying to see past the Signs (botched proposals, zany miscommunications) and get married, maybe, someday.
Notables: Casey Wilson (Saturday Night Live, Happy Endings) and the always-welcome Ken Marino (Party Down, Burning Love, Childrens Hospital) as the happy(?) couple, Tim Meadows (SNL, Mean Girls) as Annie’s gay adoptive dad.
Trivia: The plotline is loosely based on the writer’s harrowing experience getting hitched to series star Wilson.
28. About A Boy, Tuesday at 9:30pm, NBC
Back for a second season, this take on the popular Nick Hornby novel (previously adapted on the big screen in the 2002 Hugh Grant vehicle) features a man with Peter Pan syndrome, a little boy who sees him eye-to-eye, and a mother giving them all the skeptical side-eye.
Notables: The charming David Walton (recently of Happy Endings, New Girl) and the luminous Minnie Driver, who we are so glad to see on our televisions.
Trivia: This is Walton’s sixth NBC comedy since 2006’s short-lived Heist — he also starred in the doomed Quarterlife, 100 Questions, Perfect Couples and Bent. Here’s hoping this one sticks.
29. Sons of Anarchy, Tuesdays at 10pm EST, FX
This is the final season of FX’s show about an outlaw motorcycle club and their less-than-savory activities running guns.
Notables: Charlie Hunnam (Children of Men, Pacific Rim) continues his role as conflicted anti-hero Jax Teller. Marilyn Manson and Lea Michelle (Glee) will both guest star, presumably in separate storylines, as a neo-Nazi and truck stop waitress, respectively.
Trivia: Star Charlie Hunnam wasn’t always so tough, but he was always a lady-killer: He played the suave drama student Lloyd on Judd Apatow’s short-lived series, Undeclared.
30. American Horror Story, Wednesdays, FX
Showrunners Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk have kept us on our toes for the past three self-contained, creepy-as-heck seasons with haunted mansions (Murder House), insane asylums (Asylum) and witchy women (Coven). We can’t wait to see where they take things with Freak Show. (By “we can’t wait” we mean “we’ll be watching through our fingers because we’re wimpy babies.”)
Notables: The inimitable Jessica Lange will be back, along with Sarah Paulson, Angela Bassett, Gabourey Sidibe, Emma Roberts and more. Michael Chikilis rounds out the cast.
Trivia: This season, Sarah Paulson stars as the two-headed Bette and Dot.
31. Suits, Wednesdays, USA
A brisk, glossy, glib legal drama with the handsome quotient we’ve come to expect from the USA Network. The plot (a college dropout fakes his way into a Big Law job) is negligible but the banter is relentless, and it will make you either groan or squeal with delight depending on your temperament.
Notables: Gabriel Macht and Patrick J. Adams, those handsome devils, reprise their roles as Harvey and Mike.
Trivia: The show is known for its copious movie references — the trope even has its own Tumblr.
32. Duck Dynasty, Wednesdays, A&E
A&E’s improbable smash hit about a family in the Louisiana bayou that manufactures duck-hunting paraphernalia is entering its sixth season. Off-camera, Robertsons have garnered their fare share of controversy (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/news/duck-dynasty/), particularly for patriarch Phil Roberton’s racist, homophobic remarks. We’ll see how that translates to the ratings.
Notables: The Robertsons, beards, and controversial views on basically everything that is holy.
Trivia: You can buy “Duck Dynasty” paraphernalia at Wal Mart if you’re so inclined — everything from diaper bags to bobbleheads.
33. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Thursdays, TLC
This is a show that is also still on television.
Notables: Honey Boo Boo and Mama June are still the main … attractions.
Trivia: Mama June is afraid of mayonnaise.
34. Graceland, Wednesdays at 10pm, USA
A bunch of impossibly beautiful undercover agents from the DEA, FBI, and ICE walk into a California beach house. In Season 1, FBI agent-with-a-dark-past Paul Briggs was tasked with training newbie Levi Warren, but it turns out that Warren is also tasked with investigating his mentor. Season 2 is in progress, and the dynamics of the house are quickly changing.
Notables: Aaron Tveit as Levi, Daniel Sunjata as Paul.
Trivia: You might recognize Aaron Tveit from his roles as the preppy, sinister Tripp van der Bilt on Gossip Girl and the tragic, idealistic Enjolras in the 2012 film adaptation of Les Miserables.
35. Royal Pains, Tuesdays at 9pm, USA
Another pretty USA show about private doctors who cater to the rich and famous in the Hamptons.
Notables: Mark Feuerstein recurs his role as Dr. Hank Lawson.
Trivia: The show is mostly shot on Long Island, including the scenes at rich guy Boris’ estate, which is Oheka Castle in real life. At least two boy band members have gotten married at the Huntington landmark: Kevin of the Jonas Brothers and Joey Fatone of N*SYNC.
36. WWE Friday Night Smackdown, Fridays, SyFy
Get in touch with your inner teenage boy and watch some wrasslin’. For the uninitiated: this is where all the C-list wrestlers get to show off their stuff by getting fairly pummeled by the more marquee types.
Notables: John Cena is back in action!
Trivia: In October, WWE Smackdown will return to Thursday nights for the first time since 2005.
37. Amish Mafia, Tuesdays on Discovery
Distrustful of the local authorities, self-appointed Amish heavies protect their own in Lancaster County. In its fourth season, it’s one of those “reality” shows that seems very … far from it.
Notables: “Lebanon Levi” (Levi King Stoltzfus) and his crew reprise their “roles.”
Trivia: Critics have questioned the veracity of the stories depicted in the show; the New York Times has noted an on-screen warning of “select re-enactments” but few subsequent mentions of this throughout the episodes.
38. Covert Affairs, Tuesdays at 10pm, USA
Following an action-packed, passion-filled summer “mid-season finale” (aren’t those the worst? all of that waiting?), this CIA drama will continue its run in the fall. Piper Perabo continues at the helm as field operative Annie Walker and Christopher Gorham is still her handler, a blind CIA military intelligence officer.
Notables: Perabo, Gorham (Ugly Betty). Peter Gallagher and Amy Jo Johnson both have recurring roles.
Trivia: Gorham played the unpopular Harrison on the WB’s Popular.
39. Walking Dead Sneak Peek, AMC
Everyone’s favorite zombie thriller is back and more terrifying than ever.
Notables: Caaaaaarl!
Trivia: Clearly there are a lot of zombies, or “Walkers” in this show. If they all seem pretty convincing, that’s because every extra had to learn the movements through a special zombie school.
40. The Bridge, Wednesdays at 10pm, FX
In the midst of its second season, this is more than your average buddy-cop show. Two police detectives — one Mexican, one American — team up to investigate a serial killer who’s terrorizing both sides of the border.
Notables: Diane Kruger as Texas officer Sonya Cross; Demián Bichir as Marco Ruiz. Matthew Lillard(!), who plays a washed-up reporter, has been promoted to series regular.
Trivia: Sonya Cross has Asperger’s; Kruger has been praised for her realistic portrayal of someone on the spectrum.
41. My Five Wives, TLC
Because no topic is too taboo for reality television, TLC has renewed this show about polygamy. They live in — where else? — Utah.
Notables: Brady Williams and all of his wives: Paulie, Nonie, Rosemary, Rhonda and Robyn. Oh yeah, and 24 CHILDREN.
Trivia: Perhaps unsurprisingly, Williams has recently filed for bankruptcy.
42. Porter Ridge, Tuesdays at 10pm, Discovery
A new show from the people who gave us the gift that we’ll never able to return, Duck Dynasty. This show takes place in the backwoods of Indiana.
Notables: Terry Porter, Jeff Watson, and pet grizzly bears.
Trivia: Jeff “The Bear Man” Watson has previous experience in showbiz: assisting with animal appearances on The Tonight Show and Good Morning America.
43. Jeff Dunham: Controlled Chaos, Comedy Central
While this originally aired in 2011, the famed ventriloquist’s fourth special is still hitting the top of the charts.
Notables: Dunham, Bubba, and the rest of his crew of puppetry arts
Trivia: Bubba J and José the Jalapeño are modeled after some of Dunham’s favorite ventriloquists’ characters.
44. Unknown Movie, USA
The ratings aren’t sure what it is, but we can’t wait to see it!
45. Long Island Medium, Sundays at 9pm, TLC
Based in Hicksville, N.Y., this show continues to be a cross between Real Housewives of Long Island and a game of Ouija. Is she for real? Do we care? Will we watch? Who knows, no and yes.
Notables: Theresa Caputo and the family who puts up with her.
Trivia: Want a personal reading with Caputo? If rumors are correct, it will cost you $500 for an hour.
46. Top Chef, Wednesdays at 10pm, Bravo
Top Chef takes its successful formula to Boston in its 12th season.
Notables: Tom Colicchio, Gail Simmons and Padma Lakshmi remain judges along with Hugh Acheson (Seasons 9-12), but this year, former contestant and noted nice guy Richard Blais will join them at the table.
Trivia: This season will mark the first-ever meal served on the field underneath the Green Monster at Fenway Park.
47. Dance Moms, Tuesdays at 9pm, Lifetime
Mommies and kiddos shimmy, shake and claw jazz-hand their way to mini-stardom. No pressure, girls! Don’t forget to smile.
Notables: The aforementioned mommies and kiddos at the Abby Lee Dance Company in Pittsburgh, Pennyslvania.
Trivia: Every week, Abby Lee Miller makes a pyramid that shows which girls (and their mothers) did the best that week — an invention of the showrunners, not Miller herself.
48. Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity, Comedy Central
The famed ventriloquist comes back to Comedy Central with some old favorites and a host of new characters.
Notables: Jeff himself, plus some of his best puppet friends like Walter the Vietnam Vet and José Jalapeño on a stick.
Trivia: Peanut is the only puppet that Dunham didn’t make by hand.
49. Top Gear, Tuesdays at 9pm, History Channel
Based on the surprisingly long-lived and absorbing BBC show about cars. Even if you’re not a motorhead by any means, you’ll enjoy the rapport among the American hosts, the silly stunts, and celebrity cameos.
Notables: Adam Ferrara, Tanner Foust and Rutledge Wood host.
Trivia: Our favorite segment from the BBC version has to be “Star In A Reasonably Priced Car,” in which a celebrity (or semi-celebrity) races around a track in a middle-of-the-road vehicle. The record-holder for the currently used car, a Vauxhall Astra, is Aaron Paul of Breaking Bad fame.
50. Real Housewives of New Jersey, Sundays at 8pm, Bravo
The sixth season of RHONJ. Teresa Giuidice continues to have legal issues, Dina’s getting divorced, and there continues to be serious Hair.
Notables: Series originals Caroline Manzo and Jacqueline Laurita are leaving; Dina Manzo is returning. Victoria Gotti will again be a guest, because of course.
Trivia: Teresa Giudice’s cousin and part-time series regular Kathy Wakile has recently published a cookbook of little desserts.
