My night began at a small, hole-in-the-wall gastropub in upstate New York. My arduous task: sample a handful of seasonal summer beers and keep a journal of my findings. My level of intoxication becomes abundantly obvious midway through my record keeping.
Oh, and I get kidnapped. Yay summertime!!
1. Widmer Brothers Hefeweizen
City: Portland, OR
ABV: 4.9%
The verdict: I kicked things off with this golden, unfiltered wheat beer from the always-dependable Widmer Brothers. They’ve managed to channel their inner Belgian in creating a brew that leaves you wondering if you’ve teleported to Brussels. The finish is semi-dry with a tantalizing hint of banana. Highly recommended!
2. Abita Seersucker Summer Pils
City: Abita Springs, LA
ABV: 4.8%
The verdict: My next adult beverage of the evening was a pilsner with lemon-tasting hops, uncharacteristic of a German-style beer. The white head on this Seersucker introduced my tongue to a brand new world of flavors. Its slightly hazy body is crisp with a refreshing aftertaste. Very highly recommended!
3. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: I know what you’re thinking. “Bud Light? Who reviews a Bud Light?” Look, it wasn’t on my list of beers to sample. But I just met these two muscular, suave gentlemen named Tyler and Bryler. They approached me with the unrefusable proposal of chugging a beer. As a truth-first journalist, I have to document ALL of my findings. Anyway, NOT recommended!
4. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: They wanted me to chug another one! What was I supposed to say? They both have such perfect hair.
5. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: Bryler just held me down on the ground while Tyler force-fed a Bud Light down my esophagus. Security escorted us out of the bar. New best friends for life.
6. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: We’re in Tyler’s Prius on our way to some random house party. It smells like him in here. I like that. The glove compartment is stocked with Buds. Bry and Ty keep referencing something called “the doomsday roofie.” Must be some sort of attractive guy slang.
7. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: Hmm … it seems this house party is being held in an abandoned shack hidden deep within a shadowy forest. Fragile columns seem to quiver as they carry the Atlas-like burden of supporting this decrepit structure. The high ceilings leak profusely, and one flickering lightbulb illuminates Tyler, Bryler, myself, and an ancient refrigerator … which is full of Bud Light!
8. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: Bryler just pulled a switchblade on me.
9. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: They’re telling me to go down into the basement.
10. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: They have me tied down to an operating table.
11. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: Ick. I can’t stand the taste of Bud Light. Again, not recommended!
12. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: It seems they intend to harvest my organs.
13. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: Tyler has tightened the straps, rendering my body exposed and vulnerable. He is drawing a dotted line on my skin, which I assume will guide him through the unanesthetized surgical removal of my vital organs.
14. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: I really have to pee.
15. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: A set of small knives rests on the table directly to my left.
16. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: It’s one thing to steal organs from another human, but to conduct the procedure without putting me out of my misery is cruel and sadistic.
17. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: Bud Light actually starts to taste okay once you’ve had a few.
18. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: As Tyler’s unsteady hands neared my body for the initial incision, a thought-mythical superhero, The Invincible Newt, crash-landed on the basement floor through the ceiling. I have always believed his existence was nothing more than legend. He must be here to rescue me.
19. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: Bryler’s hand-to-hand combat was no match for The Invincible Newt’s slippery kung fu. Tyler is now holding a gun to my head, using me as a bargaining chip to convince the supernewt to retreat.
20. Bud Ice
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 5.5%
The verdict: How did this get in here? I’m not trying to get THAT drunk.
21. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: In an unexpected turn of events, it appears that the wildly good-looking Tyler and Bryler are actually the good guys! Conversely, The Invincle Newt is a semiaquatic supervillain. All along, Tyler and Bryler (should-be male models) were hyper-genius hunks tasked with thwarting The Invincible Newt’s plans of world domination. The evil amphibian had used his squishy physique earlier in the evening to metamorphose into my Widmer Brothers Hefeweizen, planting a microscopic bomb — the “doomsday roofie” — an atomic device capable of destroying a planet five times the size of Earth. The apocalypse-causing device requires human stomach acids to trigger its reactor, thus explaining the Newt’s strategy to disguise it within my beer (major party foul). The dreamy duo of Tyler and Bryler knew that kidnapping me would be easier than describing the truthful, yet unbelievable predicament in which we find ourselves. Both sides are now frozen in a dramatic standstill. The slightest flinch could trigger a bloodbath.
22. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: Beer pong break.
23. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: The Invincible Newt has just laid three hundred eggs, each foregoing the normal incubation period and instantly hatching from their shells. These screeching, mutated baby monsters prove that we were wrong to assume The Invincible Newt was male! Especially seeing as she didn’t have a warty crest — that’s Newts 101.
24. Bud Light Lime
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: Don’t judge me. I like lime.
25. Bud Light
City: St. Louis, MO
ABV: 4.2%
The verdict: “Do you trust me?” asked Bryler.
“How can I trust anyone?” I replied.
“What other choice do you have?”
“Are we playing The Question Game from ‘Whose Line Is It Anyway?’ where you can only speak in questions?”
“What?”
“Where?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Nothing. Oh shoot! That’s not a question. You’re so good at this game, Bryler! I love you.”
Bryler, distracted, was eaten alive by a swarm of bloodthirsty newt-hatchlings. His dying words were, “Beer before liquor, never been sicker.”
26.-30. Shots of Jack Daniel’s Old No. 7
City: Lynchburg, TN
ABV: 40%
The verdict: But of course! Bryler meant that the only way to get the doomsday roofie out of my body, thus saving the world, would be to drink liquor after beer. Tyler, now the sole living possessor of rock-hard abs in the room, poured five shots of Jack. I threw them back, one after another, until I aggressively expelled the pill that could have brought about great destruction, along with the dozens of Buds.
The Invincible Newt, having had her plot foiled and shirt ruined by my puke, departed with a promise.
“I get you next time, Tyler. Just like I got your brother! Bwahaha!”
The world was safe once again. I will never forget what you did for me, Bryler.
WINNER: Abita Seersucker Summer Pils
The lemon-y flavored pilsner was definitely the most memorable part of my night!
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