This week was almost exactly like last week except the non-indictment of a cop who killed an unarmed black man was from New York not Missouri. Twitter user Shauna summed up our feelings when she tweeted, “Watching the news lately makes me really miss the Ebola hysteria.” Sadly, so true.
In a bit lighter news, the holidays are closing in and everyone’s excited to enjoy some vacation. Twitter user lafix had a unique suggestion for relaxing over the holidays: “Give your teen your old WWJD bracelet and tell them the J is Jaden. Merry Smithmas!” You really can’t go wrong with the Smith family.
For more great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Yesterday I spent so much at a deli that my bank’s fraud protection department almost used the words “Wait, really?”
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) December 1, 2014
unless they have an emoji for *anxiety-induced labored breathing * i really don’t know when i’d ever use them
— Alexis Wilkinson (@OhGodItsAlexis) December 2, 2014
Sleeping naked is a great way to say in case of emergency you’re fucking useless
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) December 3, 2014
Him: The heart wants wha-
Me: It wants to pump oxygenated blood to the body & return deoxygenated blood to the pulmonary circuit, dumbass.
— Jes (@JesKeepSwimming) December 1, 2014
just abbreviated “potentially” to “potentch,” hate self.
— Jen Doll (@thisisjendoll) December 3, 2014
The folks in the Olive Garden commercials look so calm, but you can see the joy in their eyes.
“Unlimited breadsticks? Fuck yeah, Brenda.”
— Erin (@BarackLilMama) December 3, 2014
I’m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
— Noodles (@Dawn_M_) December 5, 2014
White girls spend 15% of their lives thinking about cutting bangs.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) December 3, 2014
You know when you start eating a pie and then all of a sudden you realize you ate half of it by yourself
— PUJAPRAKASH (@_PujaPrakash) November 29, 2014
Watching the news lately makes me really miss the Ebola hysteria.
— shauna (@goldengateblond) December 5, 2014
Taking the next week or so to listen to instrumental Christmas music before diving into Bing & Nat King Cole. You gotta do it right.
— Leigh Weingus (@leighweingus) December 2, 2014
“I’m sick of the Internet. Maybe I’ll go take a look at the Internet.” – Me, 103 times a day
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 4, 2014
So I’ve heard these rumors about broth being the next big thing. Y’all know broth is easier to make than coffee, right?
— Hannah Groch-Begley (@grouchybagels) December 1, 2014
Give your teen your old WWJD bracelet and tell them the J is Jaden. Merry Smithmas!
— lafix (@lafix) December 5, 2014
When someone says “you’re my fave female comic” I’m not sure if it’s a compliment because I could like be your number 789 fave comic overall
— Sara Schaefer (@saraschaefer1) December 5, 2014
Wonder if the guy I like isn’t texting me back because I had sex with him already or because I never shut up about how much I love fiber
— AmberTozer (@AmberTozer) December 5, 2014
Concerned moms always clutch their collars. “Where have you been? My NECK has been FREEZING!” pic.twitter.com/L06baNaA0n
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) December 5, 2014