Should you have kept your graphic design job?
No, no matter how disappointing recapping “Legends” is, graphic design is way worse.
Watch episode three of “Legends,” entitled “Lords Of War” to see if you fully regret your career choices.
PROCEDURE NOTES & OBSERVATIONS:
- “Don’t fuck with the lords of war.” “Don’t fuck with the babysitter.” (That didn’t happen, just thinking about how much better this show or any other would be with the addition of Elisabeth Shue.)
- Just laughed myself silly over the “TNT Drama: BOOM” logo. Does all drama go BOOM, TNT?
- We’re back at the VX tent.
- No-longer-secret-Russian/chemistry teacher not looking so hot, maybe it’s all that VX he’s cooking.
- Don’t cry over spilled bomb.
- Woo, chemistry teacher got some skills.
- He has acquired a pipe.
- Without too much effort he’s released his family and gotten out of the building… this will work out fine.
- Oh, no, a fence. The escapee’s worst nightmare.
- Why was it so easy to get out of this place and now all of a sudden there are 15 guards here at the fence? Were they all on lunch break?
- Evil guy says, “If you run again, your family dies” then to prove he’s serious he shoots the ground right in front of the family but somehow none of the bullets ricochet and kill everyone.
- First line, post-title sequence: “Yes, Martin Odum is our best asset, no question, but…” So every episode still needs to drive home that Martin is THE BEST™ but he has to prove himself to FBI agent Crystal each and every episode because apparently she has “Memento” disease.
- It’s the cliche lightning round: High stakes, we have no choice, the clock is ticking. A cliche hat trick… well done!
- I hope that in real life, FBI meetings don’t have to include the part where they explain that it would be bad if a bomb goes off.
- “Napoleon Dynamite” Maggie is reasonably concerned that three days isn’t enough to pull off the mission, but no one ever listens to Maggie.
- Already looking forward to the meeting between Sean Bean and this arms fella Khalid… should be a lot positive male energy.
- “I find a scratch, I’m taking your finger.” Sean Bean’s legend Dante is rude to valets.
- I like these parts of the show that are really just about Sean Bean looking cool in a suit.
- Super awesome arms “facilitator” Khalid is getting a massage, like, just in the middle of the pool area.
- Fun fact: Sean Bean greets everyone by pointing gun fingers at the back of their head and saying “bang.”
- Wait, Khalid just gets up from his massage, where he’s presumably naked under that towel, and hugs Sean Bean? This just got way more interesting.
- “He’s good.” No, Maggie, he’s THE BEST™.
- Now they are just saying a lot of words at each other.
- This conversation would be better if they both ended each sentence with “hashtag: lords of war.”
- “No more grey market stuff.” No one has ever said that.
- “I’ve got a few associates from the shock and awe days.” Oh, I bet a lot of people have said that.
- Crystal doesn’t think this will work because of course.
- Khalid mentions someone named Paulanos who can hook Sean Bean up with non-grey-market stuff.
- Oh, haha, he thought Paulanos would be a man but it’s a hot lady… awkward.
- First commercial: We’ve learned that if you see a dude getting a massage just right out in the middle of the pool area, that man CAN get you WMDs.
- Paulanos ain’t down with Sean Bean yet so she starts to leave… never saw “Game Of Thrones,” I guess.
- “It’s a wonder people don’t take you seriously…” Ouch, rude, Sean Bean.
- He’s hammering her for assuming everyone wants to sleep with her and calls it unprofessional. This. Show. Tates. Women. Also, he totally wants to sleep with her.
- “Napoleon Dynamite” Maggie says “the guy is good” again… Crystal disagrees. Ugh.
- YEAH, TECH TALK WITH MAGGIE.
- Crystal says Maggie is GOOD™.
- Stupid lady try to resist Sean Bean charm… SMASH.
- Sean Bean says he’s “in the wine business” then asks Paulanos if she prefers red or white… OH HE’S GOOD™.
- He already ordered an excellent Chardonnay… from the Sutter family I presume.
- “I suppose you could call me a private sommelier.” Mhmm.
- Ohhhhhh, he’s using wine as a metaphor for WMDs… I get it.
- What’s the WMD equivalent of Merlot?
- “It’s got a nice finish,” he says then looks her up and down. Now who’s being unprofessional, Sean Bean?
- No-longer-secret Russian chemist has another chat about how he WILL, in fact, be making the VX gas.
- I think this conversation is entirely about bad-guy lighting.
- Conversation between Paulanos and some guy in a tank top we haven’t seen… he must be the one who was going to buy WMDs from her… he’ll be dead soon.
- We don’t have a lot of time Crystal, GOD.
- Maggie wants to let it play out, Crystal blah blah blah.
- Boss says Crystal’s right… ugh. No one listens to Maggie.
- This show should have way more shots of Sean Bean walking down hallways.
- SEAN BEAN SMASH DOOR!
- What is Sean Bean going to do with that iron???
- He’s going to iron that guy’s lower back, that’s what.
- He’s doing it! He is torturing someone. This is illegal!
- Oh, it worked, the guy admitted he’s buying VX. Totes fine, then.
- Sean Bean gets tank top guy to tell Paulanos that he’s not buying the VX.
- Third commercial: We’ve learned that Sean Bean breaking through doors is what we’ve been waiting to see this entire series.
- Morris Chestnut!
- Morris shows Nelson video of Sean Bean and raincoat guy on subway platform. Nelson gives zero fucks.
- Nelson just pay-graded Morris Chestnut… badass.
- Now Morris is making his case to his boss who has a very, “I don’t have time for this shit” attitude… let’s see if he lets it go.
- HE DOES NOT LET IT GO.
- That was actually a better scene than most of what has happened so far. Can we get rid of everyone except Sean Bean, Maggie, Morris Chestnut and the two bosses, add Elisabeth Shue in and just see where we are?
- Crystal and Sean Bean have a chat about how the plan is not going to work. Maybe it’s your negative attitude that’s the problem, Crystal.
- Sean Bean is now sitting in a car having flashbacks… dude’s not ok.
- Oh, he was waiting for his wife, he’s freaking out and needs her help to remember how he proposed. She will take this well.
- Ouch, he had that proposal memory all wrong.
- And now he’s canceling on his kid again. He’s THE BEST™ but also THE WORST™.
- Paulanos called Sean Bean to offer him a distinctive vintage… his plan is working out because he’s THE BEST™.
- Fourth commercial: We’ve learned that this show takes a mad-libs approach to plot.
- Nelson tells Sean Bean that Morris Chestnut is looking into him.
- Yet another show perpetuating the myth that women just sit around in robes all the time, no matter their profession.
- Uh oh, super evil guy is talking to Paulanos.
- Backstory! Paulanos was saved from an orphanage by evil guy.
- Maggie figures out evil guy is Colonel Yuri Medved… she’s Good™.
- Not-so-secret Russian/chemist just killed a mouse with his VX stuff. Guess it’s working.
- He says he needs 24 hours to finish the gas, Yuri says no he only has 18… why, what’s your deadline?
- Yuri was part of the Chechen Resistance, but then flipped to the Russians… just FYI.
- They really just glossed over that he raped someone.
- Crystal and Nelson are explaining everything to what I guess is the FBI Director who’s acting like they’re bothering him.
- Nelson says if all goes well they can get the VX and bring down the entire organization, but they are at a very “fragile” stage.
- Neither he nor Crystal want to admit that Sean Bean is the undercover agent… seriously, if everyone at the FBI thinks this guy is a walking timebomb, why are you working with him?
- Crystal is asked what she thinks about Odum. Cue cliche machine: his methods are unorthodox, the ends justify the means… blah, blah, blah, we’re not writing anything good for you to say because you’re a woman and not Maggie.
- Woo, Nelson cut that shit right off.
- “You have 24 hours.” Say no, 18, Nelson!
- Sean Bean is telling Paulanos a charming anecdote about what a badass he is. They laugh and consider fucking.
- She mentions something about his secrets as we see bad guys going into his room… she’s stalling.
- WILL SEAN BEAN GET KILLED?
- She offers to sell him VX and then says enough about business lets talk about you. But this is a business meeting. #unprofessional
- Bad guys find a passport in Sean Bean’s safe… says Dante… phew. He’s GOOD™.
- Now they’re talking about his love life… oooooo, she just speculated on how he proposed to his wife… irony.
- Careful, Sean Bean, who is talking? Martin or your legend Dante? DO YOU EVEN KNOW?
- This lady has never heard of a bra.
- SEX MIGHT HAPPEN.
- “You always sleep with your business partners?” “Part of the vetting process.” Uh, that’s a terrible vetting process.
- SEX IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
- We don’t get to see sex happen. Instead we cut to Nelson dropping in on Morris’ house.
- Nelson says back off, Morris says nuh uh.
- Oh, do not fuck with Nelson.
- “Nice family. Don’t make me an enemy.”
- Fifth commercial: We’ve learned DO NOT FUCK WITH NELSON.
- Morning after sex with Sean Bean. She should be crying since it’s over.
- Aww he made breakfast.
- Now that’s she’s thoroughly vetted him, she’s setting him up for the arms deal. This is really working out well for Sean Bean.
- FBI says Martin can’t risk being exposed, so he will have no wire and no follow team for the meet.
- He’ll be on his own, but it’s ok because he’s THE BEST™.
- But Maggie is following him with satellite because she’s GOOD™
- Maggie also found some place that Paulanos called several times that might be the warehouse where the VX is being made.
- SEND IN A TEAM.
- Why does the FBI wait to do everything at the same time? Focus, FBI.
- How can Maggie watch Sean Bean if she’s running tech ops on a tactical team? She’s good but she’s not god. You guys are ruining everything.
- Sean Bean is just going to die, I know it.
- Also, you have an hour show, you couldn’t do one of these things earlier?
- FBI is shooting everyone at the warehouse.
- We haven’t seen Sean Bean for a whole minute… he’s dead, they don’t even care.
- They found Hubbard.
- They found his family.
- But the VX is gone, gone, gone.
- Nice work Crystal, you saved the family but no VX. Hashtag LORDS OF FAIL.
- Now some random guy comes out shooting a machine gun at no one just for funsies… Crystal kills him like it ain’t a thing… perhaps, she is also GOOD™.
- “I guess it’s up to Martin now…” Ugh, YES, Crystal, obviously. Nelson said at the end of the last episode “It’s his show now.” Did you even watch?
- Sixth commercial: We’ve learned it’s all up to Sean Bean now which it always was anyway so we’ve learned nothing.
- Sean Bean has arrived at his destination, where it will all be up to him.
- Yuri thinks Sean Bean might be FBI.
- “I didn’t come here for an inquisition…” NOBODY expects, nevermind.
- SEAN BEAN SMASH!
- Sean Bean just offered Yuri money or death.
- Money it is! But, Sean Bean needs proof the VX is real. Bet he’ll regret that.
- Uh oh, they’ve brought in a gagged guy to test the VX on AND they want Sean Bean to do it. MORAL CONFLICT.
- “I’m a business man not a killer.” Yuri is unmoved.
- Eww, they want him to drip VX into the dude’s eye. Gross. Don’t do it!
- HE DID IT!
- Ok, this episode ended with Sean Bean dripping VX into a random dude’s eyeball. NOW WE’VE GOT A SHOW PEOPLE!
Sean Bean Deaths: 0
Fully Realized Supporting Characters: 1, the “TNT Drama: BOOM” logo
Plausible Plot Points: 1, Morris Chestnut does not get why anyone is protecting or working with Martin and I’m inclined to agree with him
Cliches: So many, if it were a drinking game you’d be dead
Scenes That Give You Hope That The Show Could Get Better: 1, VX in the eye!
Concerns That We’ll Find Out As Soon As Episode 4 Starts That It Wasn’t VX: Many
You regret nothing. Today, your job was watching Sean Bean wear a snappy suit and VX someone in the eye. Designing a logo for a tech start-up can’t compete.