The story of Christmas, as told by Kim Kardashian’s new line of emojis, begins in Nazareth. Mary, a virgin, was engaged to marry Joseph, a Jewish carpenter.

One day an angel visited Mary.

The angel explained to Mary that she would conceive a son without losing her virginity.

It was foretold that she would be impregnated through the power of the Holy Spirit.

The angel told Mary that the baby was to be named Jesus.

One day, the virgin Mary miraculously became pregnant.

Joseph knew that the baby was not his, and unfaithfulness carried a grave social stigma.

Joseph had more than just the right to leave Mary. Under Jewish law, she could have been stoned.

Instead of bringing Mary further shame, Joseph treated her with extreme kindness.

Then, God contacted Joseph.

He sent an angel to Joseph in a dream that verified Mary’s story.

At that time, Caesar Augustus decreed that a census be taken. Joseph and Mary were forced to travel to Bethlehem to register.

Due to the local inn being overcrowded, Mary was forced to give birth in a stable, surrounded by livestock.

It was there she delivered the baby Jesus.

It was cold, so Mary wrapped the baby in cloths to keep him warm.

The stable was where Mary first nursed the newborn Savior.

Out in the fields, where shepherds tended to their sheep, a host of angelic beings descended and sang praises of the Lord.

Upon learning of the birth of the Savior from the angels, the shepherds began their travels to Bethlehem.

They arrived to Bethlehem, where they found Mary, Joseph and Jesus.

Meanwhile, the Magi — or wise men — saw a star rising from the east. They knew it signified the birth of the king of the Jews.

The wise men rode to Bethlehem on camelback, with each camel bearing two stunningly gigantic humps.

The wise men arrived to Bethlehem with gifts in hand. They offered the Son of God gold …

… frankincense …

… and myrrh.

And that’s the Christmas story of the birth of Jesus. Oh wait, one more thing. Based on recent forensic facial reconstruction, it’s much more likely that this emoji best represents Jesus:

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this. Otherwise I’m a grown man who spent $1.99 on Kimojis for nothing (except for the increased level of ease I’ll have discussing contouring).

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