Watching “Fifty Shades of Grey” in a massive theater surrounded by 100-plus New York media types was An Experience.
There was some titillation, a moderate amount of cringing and a surprising number of moments that elicited genuine laughter. In spite all of the warranted critique of the film’s theme, the terribly-written source material and its disappointingly male-gazey execution, “Fifty Shades” is actually pretty damn fun to watch.
More than anything, the film left us with quite a few burning questions (very few of which have anything to do with sex):
1. Why does Jamie Dornan look so bored the whole time?
2. Are pencils always phallic?
3. Is it really appropriate for a journalism student to make her roommate do an interview for her?
4. Couldn’t Ana’s roommate have just done a phone interview? Or Skyped?
5. Why do people keep taking Ana’s food?
6. Why do Ana and Christian leave the beautiful sushi that was served to them untouched?
7. What is on the “pre-approved list of foods” mentioned in Ana and Christian’s contract?
8. But, seriously, does anyone in this movie actually eat?
9. Is the real problem that they’re just “hangry”?
10. Can Ana name a Black Keys song, or does she just wear a Black Keys T-shirt for the street cred?
11. How many graphic tees can one college girl own?
12. What was her thesis about?
13. Why does Ana have a flip phone?
14. Why won’t Christian buy Ana a better phone, but he’ll buy her a Macbook? (Like, seriously, girl needs some apps and some iMessage.)
15. Should we start using “Do you sell cable ties” as a pickup line?
16. Do you really need to tell someone “you’re not the woman for me” after having one cup of coffee?
17. How do Ana and her roommate afford such a nice apartment?
18. Do they have jobs?
19. Has anyone else in the history of the world been that excited to go to Seattle?
20. Is the Seattle tourism bureau celebrating the sexy rep this movie has brought to their rainy city?
21. Why is Ana’s inbox completely empty except for three emails from Christian?
22. What actually comes up when you Google “submissive”? *Immediately googles “submissive.”*
23. Is saying “No escaping now,” supposed to be murdery or sexy?
24. Where is the line between “making love” and “f**king hard”?
25. Why would anyone have a business meeting in the dark? Editing contracts under mood lighting might seem sexier, but it would also make it impossible to read words.
26. How does Christian know what bar Ana is at with her friends — and which restaurant she’s at with her mom?
27. Is he telepathic?
28. Does Christian break into Ana’s apartment after she breaks up with him? (Because… creepy.)
29. Isn’t losing your virginity generally an awkward experience — especially when a man is ramming into you with disturbingly little foreplay?
30. Why aren’t there more movies that show female pubic hair, leg hair and arm hair? (Spoiler alert: It exists! And we actually see a bit of it in “Fifty Shades.”)
31. Since when is it acceptable (or romantic) to surprise sell someone’s car?
32. Why are we allowed to see so much boob and so little dick in R-rated movies? Huh, MPAA? We’re lookin’ at you.
33. Is riding in a glider super fun… Or is it exactly how you die?
34. Can Marcia Gay Harden be our mom?
35. How much wine can one really baby-bird feed to another person? (Seems wasteful… and sticky.)
36. Should we insist on being carried out of the bedroom like a wounded animal and/or Ariana Grande after having sex?
37. Did Jamie Dornan have a butt double?
38. If so, can we have his number? If not… well done, sir.
39. Does anyone even drink Cosmos anymore? They’re oh-so “Sex and the City.”
40. Is “Laters, baby” the world’s least sexy sign-off?
41. Has any real person ever said “Laters, baby”? (If so… never do it again.)
42. How exactly does one become “50 shades of f**ked up”?
43. Where did Christian learn to fishtail braid?
44. Which is a better arm workout: Blowdrying your hair or being cuffed to the ceiling?
45. Can being stroked with a riding crop really make someone cum?
46. Are we really supposed to believe that BDSM is only for people who have tragic backstories? Because that’s bullsh*t.
47. Can Beyoncé sing in the background every time we have sex from now on?
48. But, actually, where can we purchase the “Fifty Shades” soundtrack?
49. Just how awkward was it to film this movie?
50. And most importantly… Will Ana actually eat solid FOOD in the sequel?
