By Emilio Salazar
I don’t know anything about soccer. In fact, I don’t know anyone who knows anything about soccer. I know about the countries, but that’s thanks to that red-headed escape artist, Carmen Sandiego. Because of good ole Carmen I can answer the question that has been asked in every bar across the world during these World Cups games in Brazil- “Where is the Ivory Coast?”
Oh, it’s a country in West Africa that borders Liberia, Guinea, Mali, Burkina Faso, and Ghana; its southern boundary is along the Gulf of Guinea. It’s capital is Yamoussoukro, the current president is named Alassane Quattara and the official language is French.
Yeah. I’m that guy in a bar. When the drunk vacant ignorant people need an obscure reference….Yeah. I fill that void. Then I get the, “Damn. You’re smart. You like a genius or something?” *followed by a swig of whiskey”
Enough of dive bar talk.
I’m really here to talk about the biggest misconception of international soccer – and that is that the female fans are ALL hot. All over the Internet there are articles titled “The Beautiful Women of Soccer” and “Soccer fans are the most beautiful.” blah blah blah blah.
But guess what – that hot Costa Rican chick with the low cut jersey, face point, and huge knockers is actually a man…that’s right. There is a very high possibility that the really hot chica you’re drooling over is actually packing an Adam’s apple and some cock and balls… Gives a new meaning to Chicharito…
The biggest unspoken issue plaguing the 2014 World Cup in Brazil is not the sex trafficking or the crime…it’s the influx of trannies that lure drunk men into committing some striking fouls.
Don’t believe me…just watch for yourself. Examine the really hot chicks with hot curves in tight jeans. Thanks to such cheap plastic surgery available in Venezuela, Brazil and Argentina – everyone can get a pair of succulent breasts and a ball tuck for the same price as getting every item off the McDonald’s dollar menu.
The problem is real. I personally have a general rule to not date South American women for this reason. It’s just too hard to tell if that hot chick is really a chick until you go down south and OOOPPPS it’s too late. It’s one of those times – you DON’T want to be caught off-sides. Now you’re questioning your own sexuality. I mean “DO I LIKE GUYS!? How did I not know that was really a dude?”
The problem even got the best of AC Milan striker, Ronaldo, who in 2008 got into an altercation with a tranny hooker. Here’s a dude who was actually PAYING for sex…and didn’t find out it was a dude until too late. He was so upset he decided to beat the shit out of the tranny. GOOOOOAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!! Come on. The guy actually was doing his due diligence. He found a hot chick and wanted to have sex with her – but the surgery was so good he couldn’t tell. Fuck that. When I’m in the market for a good or service – I make sure I get that good or service. For example, if I go into a Toyota dealership for a Prius…I don’t get tricked and buy a Yaris… That’s what’s going on with trannies in South America…you think you’re getting a Prius but in fact it’s a fuck’n Yaris – and you don’t find out until after you’ve taken the car off the lot and the value is less than what you paid for.
Trannies aren’t something you want to try every 4 years either. If it’s not your thing – being duped could do long term psychological damage to you. When I meet a Brazilian woman the encounter usually goes like this:
“Hola. Me llamo Gabriella.”
“Hi Gabriella. I’m Emilio. Are you a man?”
Dead serious.
So this World Cup – do your due diligence and make sure you ain’t fuck’n with no tranny dude. This isn’t some out-take of Hangover II…it’s your life.
And that’s all I know about soccer. Watch out for the trannies.
