By Husky Harris
Well, two weeks left before Summerslam, the “summer’s hottest” pay-per-view….Wait can we even call them pay-per-views anymore?
DRUM ROLL PLEASE…..
Because for $9.99 you can watch Summerslam on the WWE Network. An all inclusive online digital streaming platform for all WWE content. WAIT! Also for just $9.99, you can catch every past pay-per-view on the WWE Network. WAIT! Don’t forget. For just $9.99 you can watch Clash of the Champions ’92 and documentaries like the overdrawn topic of the Monday Night Wars! FOR ONLY $9.99!!!! And just in case you missed it – for ONLY $9.99 you can also catch original programming – like Legends House, where they put a bunch of familiar faces from the 80s in a house and Pat Patterson tells them all he’s gay… GOTCHA!!!!
Tell them Mene Gene!!!!! Get the WWE Network for just $9.99.
Anyway – Raw August 4, 2014 is in the books. Straight from University Texas.
What do we take out of this RAW? Here are my stream of conscious thoughts as I watched the first couple minutes –
* Randy Orton and Seth Rollins look real good in all black suits.
* Stephanie McMahon is the hottest heel since Ravishing Rick Rude….
* For $9.99 can I measure Triple H’s nose?
* Roman Reigns and Kane. AGAIN?! UGH. But Roman Reigns is SOOOOO Boring. He’s just like that big kid in 4th grade who had nothing interesting to say, but was really good looking and you could pay him a dollar to punch his own face. HULK SMASH.
* I wonder when CM Punk is coming back?
Wait did you see who Mark Henry gave a high five to after his match with Damien Sandow? Vince Young. Damien came out with a Sooners shirt getting that good ole Texas University heat. Mark Henry comes out and shows him why he was the world’s strongest man in ah…1996. It’s almost 20 years later, Mark. Get over it. Now you look like a cross between Forrest Whitaker and Raekwon.
After the match Mark high fives a bloated Vince Young. I was so waiting for him to pull out a mic and say “What’s up TEXAS!!!!”
Vince Young: “Remember, for only $9.99 you can get the WWE Network. If everyone in this arena went home and subscribed – Vince McMahon won’t feel like a loser anymore…like ME!!!!”
The rest of the program really didn’t mean much to me after Mark Henry’s match because for the rest of the program I was sitting back, waiting for Michael Cole to say “and now a special message from Vince Young”.
“Guys, this is washed up quarterback with mental issues, Vince Young. Listen, I know a good deal when I see one. Sure I can’t read defenses or the scale, but I can read that the WWE Network is a great deal. For only $9.99 you can watch Refrigerator Perry win a Battle Royal at Wrestlemania 2. Or watch two beasts from the east battle it out at Wrestlemania XI when Lawrence Taylor bulldogs Bam Bam Bigelow. OR watch Steve “Mongo” McMichael and Reggie White battle it out at Slamboree 1997 in what many pundits call the most useless match in the history of wrestling.”
A highlight of the night was realizing that neither Brock Lesnar nor John Cena were in attendance. Instead of pulling live heat for their upcoming main event at Summerslam, the WWE aired a series of boxing/UFC like vignettes hyping both guys up. That’s fine, but I’m sure the people who bought a ticket in the arean are pissed they didn’t get to see Cena or Lesnar.
Pretty clear that the most interesting storyline going into the Cena/Lesnar match is Paul Heyman’s double chin and oversized suits from JC Penny. I mean, the match will end with either Cena winning and pissing off EVERYONE outside the 5-9 demographic and undoing a disvalue of what Brock did by beating the Undertaker’s streak OR…Lesnar wins and sets up some fantasy push match for either A.) A Daniel Bryan comeback or B.) Roman Reigns ascension to main eventer.
Oh boy – a match between two eloquent individuals like Brock Lesnar and Roman Reigns! The promos leading up to the match would look a lot like two gorillas arguing over a linear algebra problem. HULK SMASH!
I will say that I do get a kick out of Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose. Those two guys will be fighting each other for the next 10 years. In 2024, people will detest a Battleground match between those two the same way we detest a Cena-Orton match today.
Oh look it’s Chris Jericho. Remember when he meant something?
Oh look it’s Bray Wyatt. Remember when he meant something?
I have no idea why the WWE pushed Bray so hard only to not let him win a title. At this year’s Wrestlemania which you can catch on the WWE Network for only $9.99, they should have him come down the aisle while Harper and Rowan drag a tied up Burt Reynolds and Ned Beatty to the ring. Then all the bad bookings would be made up for….
RAW closed out yet again with Stephanie and Brie fighting. Like I said at the start, Stephanie is the greatest heel since Ravishing Rick Rude. But the Bella Twins are horrible actresses. Their nipple slips have greater talent than both of them combined.
Anyway, did I forget to mention that you can catch every single amazing WWE moment on the WWE Network for just $9.99? Everything except uh…ugh…you know – that one guy. He whose name we do not speak of…..